i'm backed into a corner of money, or lack thereof. i'm backed into a corner of too much to do, and not enough time.

the money thing. ever since i moved to california, i've been in a state of only having enough money to get by. having put myself into this situation, i cannot blame anyone or anything for it. but i can complain, and complain i do. the apartment that i moved into when i got was an apartment that was a bad decision, looking back. it's more than i need. but, it was what i thought i needed at the time, due to the fact that i was looking for an apartment for two people and not one. so, it was a decision that two people could afford this place. yet, for the most part, i was paying for it alone, and still am.

and it's more than i can afford. it's the apartment that's creating alot of my monetary woes. so, i'm going to move. a friend and i are moving into a house, and a third person will be joining us in a few months. which means that in a few months, i'm going to be paying half of what i'm paying now. which means that i can start paying my dad back.

the money that i owe my father is something that's been looming over my head ever since i left college. before that even. it started with my first car. he lent me the money to buy a used accura integra the summer after my sophmore year in college. it being my first car, i was very excited. and i planned to start paying him back right away. but, rent living in my friend's basement turned out to be more than i expected, and my living expenses, which before then seemed almost null, became something of a worry. creditcard companys started to call me when i didn't pay.

things didn't work out as i imagined. i got into an accident early on in the summer, and didn't bring the car anywhere that he might see it, for fear that he would get mad. so i got a weekend job delivering pizzas to save up the money to get it fixed. and i gave him what i could towards the money that i had borrowed. but i always felt bad because i couldn't pay him back.

then, three weeks into my junior year of college the integra was stolen. stolen, and stripped of it's innards. he sold what was left for parts, but, there was still about three grand that i owed him. and i was in college, making minimum wage, unable to send any money his way. but it always was something that was hovering over my head.

then i moved to the city, to work. and he fronted me another three grand for me to get my first apartment. it being my first apartment, it needed ammenities, and utilities, and lots of other stuff that i had never thought i'd need. so i couldn't send any money his way. then, i got a new job. and needed a car to get there. so he helped me again, giving me the money for a downpayment. zoom to 2001. he lent me more money to move to california, because he knew that it was something that i wanted to do.

so, now, i owe him more money than i care to think about. and it sucks. it sucks because i haven't been able to send him any money since i moved here. but he's always been good about it. he'll hint that i haven't sent him any money recently. he'll mention that he's worried that i'm not doing well enough. but he never blantantly says that i owe him ten grand. he'll give me a credit card to charge my classes to (that i'm starting this week).

so. zoom back to present. i've found a house. but the thing is that is with any new property, you need to provide first month, and security deposits. which is something that i obviously don't have. so. today i had to make the worst phone call ever. i had to call my father, on father's day, and ask for more money. believe me, it sucked. hardcore.

topic number two: the not enough time thing.
i'm working full time, which didn't mean much before, but has turned into a very time consuming endevor lately now that i've got something to do. i'm also doing contract work for two different firms, which is taking up most all of my spare time at home. and, i've been taking pictures like a crazy fcuk. no really. when i got my camera back, it was on 270 or something. in the numbering of the photos. now, it's way up at 930. in only three months, i've taken almost 600 pictures. which is a good thing, because i've taken some amazing shots. but, it's also a bad thing, because currently there are over 300 pictures on my harddrive that are waiting to be edited, formatted, and posted. well, not all of them, but a large number of them i really want to get online.

so i have no time. i have no money. but, i watch alot of movies.

maybe this corner isn't so bad. not as bad as moving. ugh.