so here i am. alone in my apartment. eating ice cream and watching movies on my computer. the story of my life for the past three weeks. sitting here at my computer. the piano seat sits next to me with all three (tv,vcr,and cable) remotes on it. unopened and opened mail to my left. ashtray and fan to my right.

the tv is almost always on for the time that i'm home. some movie or another, i switvh from something on hbo to showtime to payperview just to have something on so that there's noise, and the apartment seems less empty. sometimes i watch, sometimes i don't.

when i'm not watching the tv, i'm watching something on the computer. top right hand corner with everything else that i'm doing surrounding it. tonight, it's a divX of high fidelity. one of my favorite recent movies. earlier tonight it was crouching tiger hidden dragon, which, by the way, rocked ass. even with the damn subtitles. divX rocks my world.

but that's all it's been. nothing to do. nothing motivates me. the dishes from dinner sit in the sink, and probably won't be washed for days. the stove is still a mess, except more of a mess than it was a week ago.

help me understand. help me understand what i can do with my life.

i'm so lost. so alone. and it's killing me.