depression grabs hold of me like it has so many times in the past. it grabs hold of my soul and won't let go. i have no feeling left. no desire, no want to do anything. it seems to be the only word to describe the way i feel.

for many people, depression is something that comes and goes. something that is somewhat variable. for me, it comes in slowly like a virus grabbing hold, and slowly gets worse. then it hits me full force, a brick wall falling on me, knocking the wind and direfction out of everything. it always happens for the same reason... money.

the job goes bad. new expenses come to light. i can barely afford to buy groceries. i dig myself further into the hole of debt, letting bills and payments fall behind becuase, frankly, i can't afford to pay them now. i owe my father more money than i care to think about. just when i thought i was getting on top of things, the wall comes crashing down again.

i try to get my mind off of it. i work. i create new and wonderful things for kove to a point that mordac tells me to stop, that he can't take it anymore. but the work doens't mean anything. no matter what i create for kove or dreamlog it doesn't matter. i'm the only one who uses the damn thing. it doesn't matter to anyone else.

i resurrected foto.fcuker.com in hopes of bringing my spirits up. i recreated the databases, added new features, added over fifty new pictures. but all it did was make me worse, knowing that the pictures would stop because the damn camera is broken again.

i called my dad to complain, and to tell him that i wouldn't be able to pay him back any of the money that i owe him for a while. i explained everything, and he was sympathetic. he told me to put him on the back burner until things "settle down" and i can get my "feet back on the ground".

i'm not sure if there's ground to get my feet back onto.