i've always hated holidays for as long as i can remember. it's not the holidays themselves that i hate, it's the monetary value that people put into holidays. it's the obligation to buy people things that pisses me off. the fcuking crowds at the mall. the fcuking commercials.

back in the day, grade school and such, there always was the "gift buying" thing in the gym before xmas. every student was supposed to make 10 or so presents that could be given to people, and then each class took time a break and went to the gym, and bought the things that other children (or the children's parents) had made. everything for a quarter to a dollar. the $5-10 that your parents gave you in the morning of the sale to buy presents for the family.

i felt that no matter what i bought, it all seemed cheap. it all seemed like i was not putting in any thought to the presents that i bought people. it was someone else's time and creativity that i was buying to make up for my lack of creativity.

and then the my parents, because of the fact that they didn't want to be unfair to the multiple children, would make sure that they spent the same amount on each child for xmas. it lost the feeling of the holiday, and became all about money. once i was past that point of them knowing what i wanted, my father would give me the same amount that they had spent on the younger children, and tell me to buy something for myself.

xmas just sucks when you have to go out and buy and wrap something that you're just going to unwrap a few days later. the surprise is gone. the best part about xmas as a kid is running downstairs as soon as you wake up and seeing the new bike that you got, and unwrap the presents, and see all the stuff that you got. then, we'd spend the whole day playing with our new toys.

but when you already know what's in the boxes that you're unwrapping, xmas isn't exciting anymore. it's exciting for the younger ones who are still getting surprised by the gifts that they were getting, but it just isn't the same. it loses it's flair.

so i've taken a different look towards the holidays. it's not the money. even though everyone else always bases everything on money, it's not me. it's the thought that you put into it. so i spend the holiday months thinking of just the right gift for the people that i end up buying for. but in the end, it doesn't matter how much it costs, it's the thought. sometimes when i don't have enough goddamn money to buy the things that i really want to get, i'll get it when i can.

a few years back, i knew exactly what i wanted to get my younger brother, but when it came down to it, i couldn't afford it. so i cut out the catalogue picture of what i was planning on getting him, got an amusing hallmark card and put the picture in the envelope along with the card, and put it on the tree with his name on it.

it's the "holidays" that makes people buy things for one another. but it shouldn't be that way. if you're going to buy things for people, you shouldn't have to do it for some stupid holiday. just buy it. or make it. whatever. as long as it means something, it's worth giving at any time.

it's the fcuking thought that counts.