i never know what to do. i'm indecisive like that. i'm not sure if i should forget about this website. maybe i should combine aryn.nu and this one into one über website and just banter on and on there. maybe i should take them both down, sell my computer, sell the server, and live in my closet.

but that wouldn't work because there are too many people counting on their sites being on my server, and taking it down would piss lots of people off, many of whom are friends who might not be my friends anymore. so the site stays. the server may move again soon. but, that's to be expected.

i've had this moral dilema going on lately on what to do with the buisness side of my life. i've gotten somewhat bored in my current job, and would like a change. i tried to start another company with another friend, and just like the last one, it never went anywhere. so i look for something new. but all the looking i do seems fruitless, because i can't find anything.

well, that's not totally true. i can find things, things that interest me, things that i think would be exciting. but no one seems to want to call me back. to tell me that i'm the person they've been searching for, and that they want me to start tomorrow. i suppose that i'm waiting for that. i've been waiting for someone to call my cellphone, and tell me that they're flying me somewhere in two hours for an interview, and that if they like me, they'll have somesuch moving company come by and get all my stuff and move it to some pristine location.

but the call doesn't come. so i wait by the phone. or rather, the phone waits by me. and every time it rings, i pull it out of it's holder, look at the screen, hoping to see a phone number that i don't recognize, and that this call will be the one that i've been waiting for. but it's a car dealer calling me for the thousandth time trying to sell me a car that i don't really want, but he still thinks that i want it because i haven't told him flat out no yet.

so i wait. i work on things that are somewhat meanig less to me, but are someone else's godsend. i make things pretty and functrional. i help other people who have mad coding skills, but no design skills make the stuff that they're creaating look presentable. i check my email constantly, waiting for that email that will change my life.

the email never comes. rather i get emails requesting me to move to east bum and do something that i might be good at. every time i have to politely tell them no, but if you find me the job that i asked for in the first place, i might actually call you back.

yet, the whole time that i'm waiting, i'm drowing in lack of funding to survive. i've got to call my landlord later today and tell him that i'm moving out, and hope that he doesn't want me to pay this month's rent, because frankly, i can't afford it. but i don't want to call, i don't want to deal with the whole situation. i just want it to be over.

i just want to be somewhere where it's not -10 degrees outside in the wind. where i have a job that i'm excited about. somewhere new. somewhere that will make me happy.

because i'm sure-as-hell not happy right now.