everything lately has been just fcuked. nothing is going the way i want it to. not that everythinq always goes the way that i want it to, but it would be nice if it went the way that i planned it to go every once in a while, you know?

for a while now, i've been really disliking my job. its not the job that sucks, its the fact that i'm not doing what i really want to be doinq. i've been telling myself for months now that it'll get better, but until this week, it didn't. and now, after things have completely changed (for the better) its basically what i wanted, just too late. it sucks to say, and even more to realize, but i've already given up.

i begged, i pleaded, i worked my ass off. for what? nothing. nothing that happened the way i wanted, nothing even close. i wanted to get away from all of the bullshit that goes on on a daily basis, and do what i really wanted to do; programming. but i couldn't get out. i couldn't get the time to make the tools that would make everyone's life easier. and now that i'm finally out, i'm so pissed off about everything that happened that i've lost the desire. i don't want to program for them anymore.

and then comes the money problems right back in myface. i thought i was getting everything covered, but apparently, i wasn't. my rent check bounced last monrh, and i just found out about it now. i thought that i already had it covered. i missed a car pawment in there somewhere. i forgot to pay the car insurance, and now they're threatening to cancel it if i don't pay up soon. another month of rent is due in a couple of days. my cell phone bill seemed to have slipped in between the cracks over the past few months, and i'm sure that they're going to shut it off soon without telling me, like they've done in the past.

i know that i've got problems handling money, but i really thougt that i had it under control. but something always comes up. like an overdue exise tax bill for almost $500. or my school loans that i always seem to forget to pay. the newest one is a collection agency trying to collect some $200+ for the cable modem at my last apartment that i'm pretty sure that i already returned.