for the most part, i let it slide. i kept my gripes to myself. i didn't fight with her, i didn't argue, i just accepted that she didn't like me, and went on with my life. but, a few days ago, i just had to let it out.
my father wanted to come over to see my new apartment. i've been there two months now, and he figured that it was time that he saw the place. he was all set to come over, and then he called. he wanted to bring the whole family over, and well, i had problems with that. the phone call didn't go to well. so i emailed him the next day.
to: dadhis reply the next day:
subject: next thursday
i didn't mean to be un-diplomatic about the whole coming over to see the apartment thing. i was more trying to avoid the somewhat unavoidable hell that we (i) are going to go through when jeanne finds out that jackie is living here.
i was more trying to avoid a huge blowup about the whole situation. which we both know has a very good chance of happening.
i have next thursday off, and we can still do dinner here if you want. the later, the better. (7:30 ish would be good for us.)
i'll rent a table or something.
but blair has to sit on the floor.
from: dadand, well. i went off. i let everything off my chest. i told him exactly how i felt, and why i felt that way. i told him everything that i had been holding inside for all those years. it felt good, but at the same time i was hesitant about hitting that send button.
subject: re: next thursday
Regarding Thursday, I was just giving you a little grief. Jeannie would not be surprised that Jackie is living there, but wouldn't want to flaunt it for Erin & Blair's benefit. I am just trying to get the family a little closer (i.e., not so distant). Let's think if there is a better way to go about it. If Jackie is a more permanent fixture in your day to day life, we need to find a way to communicate that to Jeannie. I want to get to a place where you feel comfortable coming to holiday and other family gatherings. Perhaps a better first step is to come dinner in Hingham or meet for pizza at VR. Any thoughts?
i talked to cullen about it. i had him read the email. he had some thoughts on the issue, having much the same relationship with his father that i did with my step-mother, and i made some changes to the email. this was sent:
to: dadhe ended up replying first thing in the morning. and then again the next day.
subject: re: next thursday
:: re: thursday
i'm not backing down. we'll still have you all over for dinner. that's not a problem. i just wanted to make sure that you know (ie: jeanne) ahead of time that jackie will be there, and she and i are cooking.
:: re: jackie
jackie is definitely a more permanent fixture in my life. she's my girlfriend, and we're living together. we won't flaunt it towards erin and blair, but if they ask, are we to lie, and say that she's not living there?
as an adult, living on my own, i don't think that it should be a huge issue to answer a question of that type truthfully.
:: re: family gatherings / jeanne.
the reason that i am uncomfortable bringing people to family gatherings, and even coming home on occasion is that i, and all my friends are looked down on, even scorned by jeanne. we had hoped that things between her and i would get better after i was out on my own, but they haven't. in my opinion, they've gotten worse. she gives me an attitude every time i call the house to talk to you, she doesn't even say hello when i come home, and she gives off a feeling of hostility towards my friends.
it's always been this way, and it's gotten worse. it's the negativity and the outward hostility that i am avoiding. if you had a manager that you knew didn't like you, and wanted you not to be in the company, would you a) gladly spend time dealing with that person, or b) avoid at all costs?
i know i'm picking b.
i spent 14 years saying i'm sorry to her, trying to revive a relationship that never existed, and frankly, it's her turn to show some effort. i'm tired of going out on a limb at her cost, and getting the cold shoulder every time. it's really not worth the energy anymore.
i know this all sounds harsh, and i know that i seem bitter, but i'm really tired of feeling like i'm the one who has to do something to fix this. i've done everything that i can. i've treated her with respect at every turn. i know i made some mistakes growing up, i know she carries every one of them as grudges, but there's this concept called "forgive and forget" that someone needs to clue her in on.
and i'm not going to be the one to do it. if she wants me to respect her as my mother, she's got to earn it.
i've kept this bottled up inside for too long. i'm just letting you know where i stand, and why i initially didn't want her to come over. in some way, i don't want to give her ammo against me. and that's what i feel i'm getting into.
take this email however you want. show it to her if you so desire. maybe it's time someone showed her point blank how much her attitude is ruining things.
but... i'm not backing down from having the family over for dinner. i want you, erin and blair to see how well i'm doing for myself. don't make her come. if she wants to come, i'd be happy to have her, but the last thing i want is for you to drag her over, and have her in a bad mood before she even gets there.
RSVP if you're still coming.
I think its helpful to get your feelings down on paper, I didn't realize how deep they had gotten. I am truly sorry that things have progressed so far and yet I'm not sure where to go with it. Somehow there has to be a way out of this place.i was floored. i didn't respond. he didn't even really respond, so i didn't really know how he felt about it.
Let's do dinner. Had a long talk with Jeannie & as you would expect she had some counter views on the past. Knowing the views are on the table, lets trying moving on from here. As long as we're all civil and upbeat, there's no reason we can't have a good time. She knows Jackie is living there and she's still willing to come to dinner - that says something in itself. We have some collapsible chairs if needed, otherwise I'm sure we can make do!and it's gone on from there. they're coming over for dinner, and she's coming. i'm not sure how it's going to end up, but i just hope the shit doesn't hit the fan.
that might make a mess.