some mornings, i don't remember the dreams that i had the night before at all. other mornings, like this one, i remember. and sometimes remembering plagues my mind all day.

i don't dream about the past much. i don't like to dwell on events past more than i have to. but recently, i've been dreaming of my mother, who passed away nineteen years ago. and it's not really dreaming of her, but of the person she was, the things that she would have done, seeing that part of my past that has been hidden from me for such a long time. it's almost as if i find things out about her that i never knew.

:: begin dream sequence ::

i'm hanging on an outcropping of rocks, mission impossible two style, and i'm about to fall to the depths below. there are people with me, one of whom is my father, the other people are faceless. i'm trying to get up that last bit of rock to where my father and everyone else is, but i'm having a hard time finding handholds.

i reach up, find a really good one, but my father's blocking it. he moves, and i make my way to the top. there's rejoicing, and then the dream shifts.

:: dream shift ::

we're in a canyon. my sister's there, and she's with some of her friends. i'm watching some movie on a movie screen on the side of the canyon, and i have a remote in my hand. but it's not the normal remote. for some reason, someone had replaced my normal remote with one that is bigger. i don't realize why it's bigger until i press play. there's a tall lcd screen at the top of the remote. the movie is playing on the remote, but also on the screen. but it's a wide screen movie, and the tall lcd screen is cutting off most of the movie. i turn the remote on it's side, the movie on the lcd changes orientation, and now it's perfect.

i hit a wrong button, and now i'm watching the movie that my sister was watching with her friends on the other side of the canyon. it's "men in black," one of my sister's favorite movies. she's watching it, i'm watching it on the little view screen.

:: dream shift ::

we're in a little cottage at the top of a mountain. it's my mother's old house, even though it's nothing like i know it used to be. i know it's her house for some reason, and there's a room that i'm not supposed to go into on the third floor. we (the people i'm with, my father, some other people, and now jackie's there) are looking for flashlights because it's about to be dark, and we're going to walk down the mountain. i spill something, and my father gets angry.

i sneak into the other room, somehow climb up into the other room (the one that i'm not supposed to be in, and it's like a loft. there's blankets that my mother made everywhere. they're soft. there's a desk in the room, and for some reason there are these beautiful colorful bongs on the counter, made out of pottery. i know that my mother had made them. my father calls from downstairs, and i sneak back down.

there's something going on, and they want to leave. but i don't want to go, because i've found my mother's secret room. they start to leave, and i sneak off to climb back up into the room. i rifle through the desk, finding all of my mother's sewing stuff, scissors, needles, and thread, all neatly contained in little clear plastic cases. underneath the cases is a singer sewing machine that looks brand new. i think to myself that i want the sewing machine for myself.

jackie comes into the room, and is looking at the pottery, the sewing machine, and the quilts. she is as amazed as i am. i think of my mother, of the beautiful things that she made, and wish that she was there.

:: dream shift ::

we're driving in my car down the mountain. it's snowy and the roads are a mess. i slide off of the road, and devin is there. he gets out and helps push the car out of a snowy ditch that the car's stuck in. my father's in the passenger seat, and for some reason, i need him to shift the car into first so that i can get out of the ditch. he does, and we get out.

:: dream shift ::

i'm in a spaceship, trying to solve a problem. i've solved the problem before, but now, jason from work is there, and he's trying to do it. we have to turn the ship a certain way, and blast at the ceiling for some reason. i don't want him to do it. i want to do it myself, because i know that i can. i take the controls myself, and do it. something goes awry, and we've failed.

:: finish dream sequence ::


i woke up alot last night. the dream(s) seemed to happen through each time i woke up. i remember waking up around five am, and needing water, but there was none in the room. so i went in the kitchen to get some, and turned out the light that was on, because i could see just fine in the early morning light. i filled the cup with water, drank most of it, went back to bed. jackie had some too.

i don't know why thoughts of my mother were in my dreams. it's strange, because i don't normally think about her. i never really knew her, because she passed away before i was old enough to remember.